What most people want is actually pretty simple. They want their partner to be there for them, to enjoy and look forward to being WITH them - without criticizing, attacking or shutting them down.
They want to feel emotionally safe, secure and free with their partner.
Can you relate?
For example, you might unconsciously both feel torn about your desire for freedom and fun vs. responsibility and obligation; or maybe deep down you’re conflicted about how independent or reliant on each other you should be.
My former clients *Miriam & *Danielle frequently argued about how much time they should spend together. Miriam felt most loved and connected when Danielle made an effort to spend time together at home, as a couple. Danielle, on the other hand felt most alive and satisfied in the relationship when she could rehearse with her band, go out with her friends, and pursue her own passions.
Underneath, they both felt insecure and were afraid of being rejected, which made their arguments feel so charged. Miriam dealt with her anxiety by desperately seeking validation, while Danielle tried to protect herself by denying that she needed Miriam in the first place.
You see, we’re all unconsciously drawn to people who remind us of our hopes and heartbreak in our earliest relationships with our parents because our unconscious wants us to develop the qualities we inhibited (or were not allowed to express) in childhood.
Our unconscious wisdom keeps propelling us to revisit painful patterns, in the hopes we’ll get to re-work or master them in our adult intimate relationship!
Take a few moments to reflect on these 4 important questions:
In your family growing up, what parts of yourself (or your personality) did you learn you needed to express or inhibit to stay safe and hold onto love and connection?
What are your “love stories” (assumptions about who you need to be to be loved and your expectations in loving relationships)?
What survival strategies did you need to develop to help you feel more secure as a child?
How might these same survival strategies still be playing out in your marriage now? Do they still serve you?
If you feel called, comment below and let me know what comes up for you!