Do you ever find yourself keeping score of every insult or mistake your partner throws at you, only to catalog it away as fuel for the next argument?
I can relate.
I used to bring up my resentments at the worst times. This kept me from being present in the moment AND did nothing to help me feel better understood either.
Instead, ‘kitchen-sinking’ usually leaves both people feeling worse.
Here are 4 simple yet powerful things you can do to feel seen and heard so you can talk with your partner from a place of faith and connection, rather than the desperate energy of disappointment and suffering.
Take some deep breaths and create space to notice the feelings in your body.
Is there a tightness in your chest? Is your stomach in knots? Is there tension in your jaw? Does your body feel like it’s contracting, or do you have the urge to lash out?
Don’t judge the feelings or try to interpret them. Just allow them to be, and see if you’re able to get into a state of non-resistance to what is in this moment.
Now that you’ve created room to notice and feel the feelings, ask yourself whether they feel familiar in any way?
What do these feelings remind you of? What is the story you usually tell yourself at this point?
What are the meanings you’ve associated with these feeling/states in the past?
Imagine yourself sharing exactly what you’re feeling with someone who really gets it.
It could be an actual person in your life, or an ideal parent, partner, friend or mentor (essentially the mature adult part of you).
Imagine that person validating, understanding and being curious about your needs and feelings.
Notice how this feels: does any part of you feel lighter? Less panicky or alone? Are you still in the energy of desperation?
Be deliberate about sharing your honest feelings with your partner at a time when you’re feeling connected to each other.
When you talk, let your spouse know that while you’re reacting to them, your feelings are probably heightened because you’ve experienced them in the past.
*How we treat our partner when we’re hurt really counts!*
P.S. Doing this inner work doesn’t mean you can’t also receive comfort from the person you love, in fact, your partner will likely be more open to listening and responding to you!
Remember – this takes lots of practice!
I would love to hear how these strategies work for you in a reply!
I also post more regular insights for fostering conscious connection in your relationship on my Instagram.